Down the lane and up your stoop .... It's time for another episode of As His Mind Wanders (airplane sanding).  Will Marv take Viagra again?  Will uncle Herman divorce his wife?  How many people will join S.L.U.T. (Sheep Lovers Unite Today) ?  Has Hillary formed a secret pact with Lorena Bobbit?

During those times when I am engrossed in mundane projects like sanding .... my mind wanders. ........... You too, huh?    Sometimes I really weird out. Or could you tell?  (if the eyeballs of Big Brother bug you, then move your cursor to one edge of the screen)

I just don't like to think that anothers computer may be screwing with my computer without my knowledge.  Now I can't even find, on Internet Explorer, where to shut off Cookies.  (Aaaah .... explored the web and found out how to do that .... tah friggen dah!!) Yes there are times a location might need a cookie if I am shopping online, but I doubt if they really NEED to do that.  By the time we get around to passing any laws on the subject, all of your personal information will be available to the entire world.  I guess that would be OK if they understood I was a contract killer and might come see them on the subject.  Just seems like someone is watching my every internet move.  With all cookies shut off, I still get email telling me I subscribed to another stupid dot com email service.  I never subscribe to anything on the web.  They go on to explain that when I was on their site I must have fluffed myself and THAT indicated I wanted their email sent.  How come I didn't realize that when it happened?  And everybody HAS to have your phone number.   When I am in that predicament, such as registering new software, I just put in an area code and 555-1212 and it is usually accepted.

I see all these people drinking a bottle of water that costs about a buck.  Well it actually costs, someone said, about $21.19 a gallon for Evian water, whatever the hell that is.  I sand my little airplane and think .... why doesn't everyone join a class action suit against all water companies.  Thirty years ago we paid our water bills and got drinkable water.  Now we pay our water bill and in some cases get little more than sewage. How does that make sense?  What are we paying the monthly bills for?  I can take a bath in the lake (as long as those 3 eyed, florescent fish leave me alone) and take a whiz out the back door.  Then there is the matter of price gouging by the 'pure water' folks.  The latest water company deal I have had are late charges.  A new scam they must have learned from credit card companies.  I mailed a check to them and it took 17 days to travel a couple of hundred miles however when they mail the bill it only takes 5 days.  Post Master says it will arrive in 2 days.  Water company says it's the post office.  I say it laid around in someone's in basket until they could collect $20 for a re-connect fee..............  I wonder if I should use 200 or 300 grit sandpaper on the Rudder?  Think I'll use the used 200 grit.  Nah ... where is the G.D. hammer?

I do a lot of 'what if's' .... For example we do have a problem with schools.  They aren't safe and a lot of kids just get passed so they won't feel bad.  Teachers are underpaid and get whacked around too.  So I think ... why don't we just sell all the schools to private industry and religious organizations.  Limit government controls in education severely and take away the governments tax base for education so they can't dictate where you or I spend our child's education money.  Just that we have to spend a specified amount on educating our kids.  Maybe just let them dictate the courses and testing requirements.

Wouldn't that solve the problem?  If you wanted your kids to have some religion then you could send them to a Catholic, Protestant, Baptist or even a school that teaches no religion,  an Atheistic school.  Even have a few Military schools thrown in.  Your choice of school would also be dictated by cost vs results.  Kids that wanted to be jerks would be thrown out and sent to a military school.  The school would be profit oriented so at the end of the school year you wouldn't find hundred's of thousands of dollars worth of paper and text books tossed in the dumpster which is what goes on right now. (go check your schools dumpster at the end of the school year .... you'll throw up!) But with all the error's they have in the school books maybe that isn't such a bad idea after all.

Layers and layers of management would be eliminated also, leaving more funds available to pay teachers to teach. ...... well you get the idea ..... why don't you play with that thought for awhile and see what you come up with.

I also wonder who the educated idiots were that decided teachers could come to work dressed like slobs?  Sets a wonderful example.

And crap ... not one school board would have to go find another mediocre superintendent to replace the really mediocre one they just bought out.  That is a professional superintendents game you know.  Get hired .... stay long enough to get a good contract ... then piss everybody off so the board has to buy them out.  Maybe not, but it sure looks that way.

......... P.S.--I just finished writing this and hear that a 6 year old boy has shot and killed a 6 year old girl at school.  Keep paying those taxes for education folks..........
5/3/00 - I hear on the news today that the State of Missouri has pulled accreditation of Kansas City schools and told them to improve in the next 2 years or close.  Hell of an idea.
Oh well .... I have got to get this airplane sanded.

Seems we have a ton of the former and the latter is nearly non-existent.  During the O.J. trial for example.  I heard it reported that the Orange County prosecutor's office had a 95% plus conviction rate.  Now was I the only one alarmed at that percentage?  No friggen way can any governmental agency be that efficient year after year without a stacked deck.  A stacked deck means to me, that if you or I are arrested we are guilty until we spend thousands of dollars to prove we are innocent.

'Tain't supposed to be that way folks!  Not only that ... if you have limited funds you might as well just plead guilty or join America's Most Wanted as you haven't a chance.  So how do you even the playing field?  Well first .... if the prosecution spends $250,000 to prosecute then that amount needs to be made available to the defense. No more, no less.

Next the defense needs to have the same schooling available on testi-lying as the police and prosecution have.  "Your honor, we are seeking the Truth" ... is a bunch of hockey-pooh, dude.  (sorry ... I won't call you dude again) If you think otherwise you live on a completely different planet. Neither side is interested in the TRUTH.  They are only interested in winning at all costs.  After all that is the American Way.

Now Orange County wanted to pass a law that eliminated a 'Unanimous' verdict.  See, when you lose and you are an attorney, you just pass another law to cover your loss and stack the deck some more.  Do you or I ever hear or are warned about these new legal idea's before they are passed?  Should 'We the People' pass a law that would allow Prosecutors to be prosecuted for glaringly wrong convictions such as those caused by withholding evidence, etc. ?

Another thought.  You are told you can't be prosecuted twice but you can ... if they miss you in the criminal deal, then watch out for the civil trial.  Seems to me if you are found guilty in the criminal trial, then it might make sense for a civil  trial, but the civil one is just for money anyway so why don't we just take care of the money penalty in the criminal trial during the sentencing phase and eliminate the civil  trial completely.  That is IF you are found guilty.

Why don't you give that some thought.  Got another approach?  Thinking doesn't hurt and we the people need to do some more of it and what the hell ... you are just sanding a model anyway.

You know .... S.E.T.I .... the search for extraterrestrial intelligence.  What if .....
the first communication received translates as Jive Rap?  Would we really answer? ....
'My bug eyed friend,
wants to send it to the mass,
anyone that receives it,
can kiss my ....' well   .... you get the idea.  What if?  Hey you never know.
Time for a break.  I think this sawdust has tweaked my brain.

You gotta be really old to remember this one.  "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game"  I think 'RHETORIC' is the politically correct way to say horse shit.  Today you must teach the kids that it does matter.  You have to win the game at all costs.  If it means lying, do it.  If it means cheating, do it.  If it means intentionally hurting someone, do it.  If it means taking a pay-off, do it.  If it means spitting on a referee, do it.  If it means kicking a photographer in the jollies, do it.  If it means playing injured, knowing you may possibly never play again, then do it.  If it means taking steroids, do it. Who needs Integrity?  Damn I wish I had some constructive thoughts on this one but I don't.  I'm going to need a really big airplane to sand ..... maybe then I can come up with a few ideas to play with.  I know ... I will do a half scale Bombardier Water Bomber.  It will give me time to think and maybe I can have it drop bottled water for a buck a splat.  Brilliant !!!!

I also wonder about those poor kids  killed on the farms 30 or 40 years ago.  Yes, there were a few.  And some got broken arms, etc. while working.  So we passed a law so that today's kids have nothing to do except deal drugs and shoot each other.  S'pose we ought to rethink that one?  Of course there is more to it than that but might be a good start unless you have a better idea.  Hell let's throw some federal money at it ..... that should do it. .......... aaahhhh ..... just about have the tail feathers smoothed out ..... ooops ... got a slight ridge on that seam.

Crap .... you just knew I couldn't leave that one alone.  Again ... someone's  absolutely brilliant idea that will never work right and we will be stuck with it for decades.  And you know, if anyone involved had just THOUGHT about the idea for a day or two .... oh well ......  Damn .... I think I am having a heart attack ... hope I can get to the phone and find out if I am covered ... then call the ambulance and see if they will accept that insurance company .... same for the hospital ..... ooops .... it was just gas. 'S'cuuuse me!  Must have been the cabbage. .... lord ... it was the cabbage ..... turn on the exhaust fan.

I mean it just happened overnight. Somebody thought they had a brilliant "effing" idea that would earn them a dollar an hour more and maybe even a promotion and BAM .... it took off like and epidemic.  Epidemic is a good word .... makes you think of A.I.D.'s  and such.  So how do we get their attention on that one.  You have to hit them in the pocket book you know.  Maybe if we all decide to get sick on April 15th ..... yah ... that ought to do it .... everybody go to the hospital with severe rectal pain that just seemed to hit you like a hot poker right after you dropped your taxes in the mail box.  Tell them it seems like an Internal Rectal Seizure .... or IRS for short.  There .... I'll slide my finger over it once more .... (I'm talking about that damned seam you glue smelling junkie)..... yup that has it.  Now to the left wing.  Hummm is the left wing the Democratic wing and the right .... aaahh ... forget it.  (anybody smell paint fumes?)

According to Webster's New Word Dictionary a 'misdemeanor' is ;  the act of misbehaving .... law: any minor offense, as the breaking of a municipal ordinance, for which statute provides a lesser punishment than for a felony .... and so on.  I never figured out why all the legal experts in the news media ignored this word when discussing president Clinton's problem.  Do you have to do High Crimes AND Misdemeanor's or High Crimes OR Misdemeanors?  See if it is the former then I understand.   Of course we don't want to be able to impeach a president for presenting an obscene gesture to a news person but he definitely should be held to a standard at least equal to the Fortune 500 executives.  No hanky panky at work or in the company parking lot else you will get yer ass fired.  Then there was the question of whether it was at work or not ..... good lord give me a break .... If you are talking on the phone to a senator or congressman and Mr. Happy is really happy then you must be at work doing something you shouldn't be doing or Mr. Happy wouldn't be that happy.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I hope and pray all laws we keep,  if I should die before I wake, I hope my estate the lawyers take.

Maybe we can pass another law requiring "common sense" be applied to all cases.  Trouble is there are so many educated idiots out there that have forgotten or were never taught common sense.  (I wonder if Webster has a definition?) If not then I have one for a start.  H.I.D.L. ---- Honesty, Integrity, Dependability & Loyalty.  If a situation has most of these parts then the situation could be defined as common sense.  (hey ... I just did a spell check on this and can you imagine .... spell checker didn't know the word Webster - maybe I should have used Funk and Wagnel's)

I mean really .... wouldn't this be a strange and wonderful place to live if everyone had those four genetic implants?  We have already grown a human ear on a mouses back so why not  isolate those 4 gene's (H.I.D.L) and implant them in all of our leaders for a starter. ...... "I can not tell a lie ...... Monica cut down my cherry tree".  Well at least that statement is closer even if it isn't totally accurate.  We all know that pooh-pooh rolls down hill, so it might not be long before everyone practiced the art of H.I.D.L.  ....... sure,we know ..... I just can't imagine a coach running out to a ref to tell him one of his team members stepped out of bounds or fouled someone.  This is lah-lah land I'm afraid, but you have to admit it is creative thinking.

Maybe it was the late 1950's or early 60's when some advertising guy figured out that if you put a message on the movie screen, that blinked on and off so fast you couldn't consciously see it, that you would still be motivated by the message.  So he superimposed .... 'eat more popcorn' .... on the movie screen and sure enough popcorn sales went up dramatically.  Of course that was too subversive because the news people wanted to be the ones to give you mis-information and mold your gray matter.  As a result it was later outlawed.
So the first question that comes to mind is .... Who checks all this video stuff to see if it has a subliminal message???  Next question is ..... How can they check every web page??? Now my big question is .... I wonder how I can do that?  If you could do that, what would your subliminal message be? Men might have one dealing with Monica, while women might chose Lorena Bobitt.  Rednecks might go the route of free beer and shotgun shells.  Bill Gates of course would say Buy only Microsoft Stuff.  This thing could really be fun.  Naw .... nobody could be doing this.  Hell ... it's against the law!
 

Hero's

I wanna do a commercial for Cockran's Mortuary selling the idea of pre-arranged funerals.  I'll have Herman Muckenfuch do a testimonial that strongly suggests ........ If you too choose to pre-arrange your funeral with Cockran's you will have more sex than you ever dreamed possible.  Of course Herman will have a sexy blond hanging on him, licking her lips, sticking her finger in his mouth and all that stuff, while Herman explains that since he pre-arranged his funeral not one ugly broad has bothered him.  Only the sexiest women on earth that suffer from nymphomania have called.  He will look haggard as he explains he may die early as a result of pre-arranging his funeral but by golly he sure is glad he chose Cockran's.  Then the camera will quickly pan to some dead guys in caskets with  gorgeous dead blondes on top of them.  Instead of folded hands, each one will be giving a thumbs up signal for Cockran's.  I am sure sales will skyrocket because every commercial that is any commercial has SEX as the main theme and I have never seen it for a mortuary.  Who knows, after it air's, maybe I'll get a call from Krap's Limberger Cheeze Co.. or maybe even Dr. Scholl's athelete foot powder.  'I just love a Real MAN with athelete's foot'.
Hey maybe ....... better yet ......... a drive through crematorium!

Had to call Social Security the other day ............

In order that we may serve you better please select from the following options:  (for some reason all of this is in English)
If you want to hear this message in Portuguese please press one.
If you want to hear this message in Spanish, please press two.
If you want to hear this message in Jive Rap, please press three.
If you want to speak to a live person, please press you lips to my ass.
If you are a right winged conservative shit head and want to hear this message in English of all things, please press 4 followed by the pound key, then the star key 3 times followed again by the pound key 4  times.  You must do this in 2 seconds or your call will be terminated and you will again get a busy signal for 3 hours and 42 minutes, like before.

If you would like to hear this message again, please press 911.

(huuummm - OK, that was the 4 plus the pound key, then star 3 times and the pound 4 times - ready, set ......... GO

Thank you for calling Social Security.  We are insanely happy to be serving you.  My gawd we just can't thank you enough for calling.
You will be happy to know we have already begun profiling you.  For instance we have determined from your previous selections that you would prefer to hear our messages in English.  In order for us to serve you even quicker than one gram of Molasses dripping down the side of a cup, please select from the following options:

If your questions deal with Arabian citizens whose camels are on welfare in this country, please press one.

If , however your concerns are about someone who is now receiving Social Security but wiping buggers on your all terrain vehicle tires, please press three.

If you want information on how to get two Social Security checks fraudulently, please press four.

We realize we skipped the number two.  The reason we did not offer that option is because the 23 people that handle that question are currently moving out their old furniture and replacing it with all new state of the art equipment that none of them know how to use.

If you would like information on how to get a Social Security number, that number has changed to 1-800-Eat-DoDo. If you now press the number Five you will be automatically transferred.

If you would like information on why your checks still haven't arrived and you are above age 71 1/2 please press Six.

All other people, please press Seven.

If you would like to hear these options again, please press 911

Well crap - My question doesn't deal with any of those things....... Seven it is.

Thank you for calling Social Security.  We are so very very happy to be serving you. Really, we just can't thank you enough for calling.
In order for us to serve you better than you ever dreamed possible, please select from the following options:

If you are still considering hearing this message in Jive Rap then please press one now.

(shit ---- huuummm - Ok I'll press one and maybe I can figure it out)
ONE ---------
My momma tol me to take a pee,
 so will be gone from my desk for just a wee -
 if you'd lika leave a message on my macheen
then wait for dah beep but yah betta not scream.
If you wanna leave a number for me to call
then do it now cuzz it's now fall.
It may be months before I call you back
cuzz my voice is all raspy and am starting to hack
and with 78 days of un-used leave,
I gotta take it now or it goes like dah breeze.

CLICK ............... BUZZZZZZZ

( Where is my damned Nitro -------- quick, I'm starting to turn purple again)
Solution:  Privatize !

You bet!  We now have Eyeglass City - Mr. Four Eyes - Better Vision & Better Sex and all those guys.  Crap I'd better run right over there, they have free exams and the second set of glasses free.  What a deal!!  Of course they won't guarantee they will not break your existing frames putting in those new lenses .......... (oh yah? - well how much are frames ?)  Bend over Bruce, it is about to happen again.  Frames will run from $80 up as high as you can stand-- usually about $150.  So here is an idea that may beat that game.  Go to Wal Mart or your favorite Super Drug store and find their display of CHEAP glasses.  Find a pair that has the little screws in them, that hold the lens in place and buy them.  It may not work, but then again, how come they can make a whole set of glasses, including frames for $12 ?? It couldn't be that those guys are marking up the frames at cost times 15.  Naw ....... that is too American.

Bitchen' .... just to be bitchen' doesn't solve much.  So here I will always try to offer at least one way to fix the problem.  Might not be the best idea which is why you need to think about them when you are sanding.  Maybe together we can get this thing (the country) repaired and flying again.  Gotta make sure it has structural integrity though so the Eagles wings don't fold.

If you want to add to this, then make a web page, pay me five bucks and I will add a link.  After a million or two of you do this .... pay me a fiver that is .... just see how long I really give a crap......... and YES that is my final answer.

 (oh ... and if you disagree .... build yer own damned web page)
Let's see .... this aileron goes up in a right turn, so I have to ...................